The Hofstadter Gaunt Duality
by weasleytook
Summary: Lord Voldemort pays Leonard a visit in the middle of the night to discuss a few things. Blame this crack on someone else. I just wrote it. LOL.


Leonard isn't completely sure why he's out of bed at three in the morning, but he finds himself wandering through the hallway and out into his living room anyway. He sees a tall pale figure sitting at the end of the couch and pauses at the sight.

"Sheldon?"

The figure responds with what sounds almost like a hiss. Leonard has his glasses in his right hand and puts them on, but even then he's still not sure of what he's seeing. It is a tall, thin, pale man for sure. But it is not Sheldon Cooper. This man has a snake-like face, with red eyes and slits where his nostrils should be and he's dressed in black robes.

"Wait. Voldemort?"

"Dr. Leonard Hofstadter, I see you are not one of the many afraid to say my true name out loud."

Leonard blinks. Then blinks again. He blinks at least ten more times before he has to accept that what he is seeing must be real.

"You're a character. In a book. You're not real. So why would I be afraid of you?"

Long pale fingers holding a wand are out of his robes suddenly and without muttering a word, Voldemort sets the coffee table on fire. Leonard can feel the heat of the flames and he figures that if this is all a hallucination, it's a pretty impressive one. He decides to just go with it.

"You're in Sheldon's spot."

"Pardon me?"

Leonard's eyes stay on the flickering flames as he replies, "My roommate. That's his spot. No one sits there but him. And if there is anyone who you should be scared of, it's him. He's really not going to be happy about his coffee table being on fire either…"

The flames disappear as quickly as they appeared and the coffee table looks exactly the same as it did before, not even a scorch mark to be found.

A nervous laugh erupts from Leonard's throat, "Oh hey. Neat trick."

"It's not a trick. A trick is something a whore does for money."

Leonard takes a few steps forward and sits in the chair nearest the couch. "Sorry. Magic. Wizardry. Whatever you want to call it. Why the hell are you here anyway? In Sheldon's spot?"

Voldemort slides over to the middle of the couch with a quiet hiss. Leonard thinks maybe he has met Sheldon Cooper after all and realized this was serious business. Avada Kedavra is no match for a pissed off physicist from Texas.

"I'm here because I think we have something in common. Something we could discuss."

"I sincerely doubt that."

"You have issues with your mother. I have issues with my mother. It's a commonality. I believe your mother would even say it may explain some of our behaviors as adults."

Leonard runs a hand through his hair and sighs loudly. Voldemort isn't wrong, but the fact that the villain from a series of fantasy books is in his living room to discuss their mommy issues made him wonder if he had taken one too many allergy pills before bed.

"What?"

"Your mother was a cold and clinical woman and you feel you were never loved by her. My mother died when I was barely an hour old and I never experienced a mother's love either."

"Uh huh. Wanna trade?"

"Your lack of a warm motherly figure has led you to constantly seek a replacement figure via your sexual partners."

So the tall snake man isn't entirely wrong on that one. He has already had his Oedipal complex shoved in his face once before, he didn't need to hear it from what is probably a figment of his imagination.

"What about you? Your mommy issues made you want to eradicate all non-pureblood wizards from the planet. That's worse."

Voldemort leans forward, the red in his eyes glowing even brighter. "But at least I've never wanted to have sex with my mother."

Leonard's face contorts angrily, his eyebrows making two crooked lines above his glasses. "Well, your mother's dead, so if you had, that would be necrophilia."

"Your mother is so cold she might as well be dead."

"Well… your… your mother was so stupid it took her two hours to watch 60 Minutes."

"Your mother is so cold… when she spreads her legs a light goes on."

"Your mother was so ugly that she looked out the window and they arrested her for mooning."

Wait. Now he was doing 'yo mama' jokes with an evil wizard? This was really going too far.

Voldemort clearly agrees. He stands and points his wand at Leonard. "You take that back."

Leonard rolls his eyes and stands up, but the Dark Lord is nearly a foot taller than him. He tries to stand his ground anyway. "Take back what you said about my mother first."

"Never." Voldemort stepped closer to him, the tip of his wand poking Leonard in the throat. "Take it back."

Leonard cranes his neck, attempting to look in to his red eyes. "I will not."

The next thing he hears are the words "AVADA KEDAVRA!" and a bright flash of green light fills his sight. He knows he is screaming and falling at the same time, but doesn't know if he will ever land.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Leonard sits up and he is back in his own bed. He is chilled to the bone and dripping with sweat. It was a dream. That's it. He sighs with relief and grabs his glasses off the nightstand before heading out to the kitchen for coffee.

When he walks out of the hallway, he sees a tall, thin, pale figure on the couch. He's relieved when he sees that it is Sheldon this time.

"Good morning, Leonard. Sleep well?"

"Not exactly."

Leonard quickly pours himself a cup of coffee and sits in the chair where he had talked to Voldemort in his dream. Sheldon is eating cereal but Leonard can't help but stare at him for a moment.

He swears, for just a brief few seconds, he sees Sheldon's eyes glow red.


End file.
